Face the Shadow Find the Light

(Trigger warning: This article covers the topic of domestic violence. If you or someone you know needs help, please get in touch with the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help https://www.thehotline.org/ 1–800–799- 7233)

When we look at preventing domestic violence, we begin to see many things that may have seemed helpful but are anything but. The scary pattern of women in current domestic violence situations trying to help others when they themselves need help too. Some may not truly understand what they are going through. Domestic abuse comes in many forms; it’s not just physical violence against you; it’s also holes in the wall and breaking household items. In my case by the end my ex left a lot of holes in the walls. In fact, there were 14 throughout the house. When I was in that situation, I gave advice to one of my best friends about leaving her abusive boyfriend. She did leave him only to end up with the monster who killed her. She asked for my opinion about him, and at the time, I thought he was a good guy. He seemed nice, and she seemed much happier. He also had full custody of his three children. However, one night I was hanging out with her at his house, while he was talking about how he met her and their first date, something seemed off. The way he described it seemed off and very cring,y like the “nice guy” vibes. My ex was like that too, and at the tim,e I couldn’t understand why that attitude bothered me so much. I know now, because it’s fake. He also revealed his violent side years later. I lived, she didn’t, which is why I now focus on spreading awareness. As with anything, every circumstance is different, and it is never the victim’s fault what happened. My goal is to point out some patterns I have seen over the years and noticed since I became a domestic violence awareness advocate.

It’s not your fault however it’s your responsible to heal and grow

How do you handle things? Do you get back up with your fall, or do you stay in bed for a week? Do you drink your day away or do you work on personal goals. Once I stopped drinking, I was able to understand more of what I had been though. I made the choice to cut alcohol out of life, and I have since learned how much more potential I have. I also could start to see how alcohol led me to be in bad situations with people that did shitty things. I would justify it by saying “oh they were just drunk”. I found old videos of me drunk and I can see how annoying I was. Although I never did bad things I understand how it was easy to fall into a low vibrational place with low vibe people. Another issue is many women leave an abusive situation just to enter another one. At some point you have to start seeing the red flags. If the person has a history of domestic violence they will continue the cycle. If multiple exs are warning you about past abuse and their stories are the same or similar it’s most likely true. If you see holes in the walls, it’s a sign that there is anger in the home. How a person treats animals and customer service staff are also indicators of what type of person they are? The true is never hidden all you have to do is look.

The blind can’t lead the blind

If you’re covering up for your partner’s behaviors so you don’t have to explain it, things are not good. How many times have you seen a post of a couple that looks perfect only to be told by one of them that they were in a huge fight right before the picture was taken. The caption will usually over hype the abuser. I have seen this many times with the victim helping others in trouble. The thought is great to be there and help however, you’re giving false hope. The others in trouble see that “prefect post” and believe things can be okay but they're being giving advice from someone who is hiding abuse. False hope, you mostly learned from others. Another example is I’ve known people who leave an abusive situation to go stay at a home that also has domestic violence going on. To raise your vibes, you have to surround yourself with positivity and love. It’s important to know when you need help. If things don’t feel like how a loving relationship should be, it’s because it’s not a loving relationship. You must first face your own insecurities and become strong to be there for others.

What kind of media you consume matters

Do you listen to positive uplifting music, or do you listen to heartbreak music? What kind of shows do you watch? Do you prefer comedy or reality shows? Whether you realize it or not, what you consume affects your vibes. Do you watch TV all day or watch workout videos for ideas for your next session? Do you watch your favorite rapper who inspires you or obsess about the news? Making sure you stick with positive media will greatly help you see the good in life. You are drawing to what your vibe is. If you prefer happy vibes, you will be drawn to happy things. If you stay stuck in a dark place, you will consume dark things. Do you spend hours doomscrolling? How often do you sit at home watching TV? How often do you exercise? How often do you read books or educate yourself? All these things play into how you are; you are what you consume.

Your vibe attracts your tribe

Be honest with yourself and look within. How’s your attitude about life in general? Do you feel like nothing goes your way, or do you make the best out of every opportunity? There is a saying that heaven and hell is a state of mind. Do you look for the good in life, or do you try to find the negative? Are you trying to improve your life, or do you blame others? Of course, not every victim has a bad outlook on life; in fact, my best friend, mentioned at the beginning of the article, was a very positive person and tried to see the good in everyone. However, she saw the good in bad people, which led to what happened. It’s also important to be very selective about who you let into your life. My love interest is the only person I find worthy and fits what I see as a good man and good partner for me. I got his attention when I started to improve myself and my attitude in life. He’s got a great outlook on life and is talented and motivated in everything he does. I learned what is good for me and who I want through deep healing. I have friends that will have multiple people they are interested in or will seek the drama, then wonder why things happened. I have witnessed toxic couples start to argue when they get bored. Life can be calm and good if you choose that path. If you want peace, you have to let go of the petty bullshit. Push yourself to grow and pursue someone worth it.

Silence is the first step toward violence. Please get help if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource for help. https://www.thehotline.org/ 1–800–799–7233. Don’t hesitate to reach for help. There are multiple agencies out there that are more than willing to help. Education and awareness are the next steps; the more we know what to look for, the more we can change the situation. Children learn by watching, so teach them how to connect and form healthy relationships. Most of all, trust your gut. Safety comes first. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s not. Give yourself time to recover and reflect on the past. Follow @dvawarenessnow on Instagram to learn more about domestic violence.