Losing my Phone

I lost my phone and felt relief. I know. What an odd thing to say. There were some minor inhibitions, of course, like knowing that my husband felt some remorse over misplacing it, and arguably, adding to the complete loss of the phone. I, also, felt bad over the expense of it. My husband and I aren't so comfortable as to not feel the sting of a few hundred dollars. I had only had that particular cellphone for a year, you see?

Despite these things, however, I mostly just felt a strange sense of complacency wash over me. Of course, we looked everywhere for it before returning home somewhat dejected and defeated. It was late on a Wednesday night though, so nothing more could really be done. If we had been a couple with more money then we might have sought an At&t store directly first thing Thursday morning, but instead, we got a much cheaper, but still decent phone off of Amazon that night that promised to be delivered in a couple of days. I was content. We had locked, the now very much gone, phone and I had no other identifying and/or incriminating items on it to worry about. I went to bed that night and slept just fine. I didn't have a phone, so no last minute Facebook Reels and no alarm to panic set at 1 o'clock in the morning when I had stayed up way too late. Now, my husband still had his phone, and I still had my laptop, so it wasn't as if I was completely disconnected from society. I had notified my immediate family on my computer through our Facebook Messenger group chat that I was phoneless, but still reachable and that I had followed proper procedure in order to rectify my new phoneless-ness.

I woke up the next morning due to my husband, which isn't all that uncommon, only I didn't have to pretend to turn off 5 alarms all in vain, first. He, also, brought me coffee and breakfast, as per usual, but my son and I sat happily and ate without me feeling the need--nor even the slightest bit of desire--to check my computer for messages or look for a phone. It was that first morning when I fully realized how strangely comfortable I felt not constantly searching for a tiny little screen. Again though, as I have already pointed out, my husband told me if any major things had been said in any of our family/close friend chats and he filled me in on all important things. He works from home, so society is never too far away thankfully. I can at least acknowledge if I had been a woman stuck alone at home with only a toddler for the whole day, my complacency might have immediately turned into dread and terror, but I did also have my laptop should I feel the need to engage with anyone. I can admit that having the luxury of humans and other electronics definitely made this brief moment without a cellphone, euphoric even. But yes, no doubt, it would have been a completely different, and probably downright terrible, time otherwise.

But loneliness and digital awareness aside, I wasn't the least bit concerned or saddened by the lack of my digital sidekick. I became increasingly aware at just how odd it was to go from one extreme to the other. I had, unfortunately and ashamedly been, a screen goblin. I would carry my phone everywhere with me on a typical day and while I might put it down to engage and play with my son, for sure. I would also frequently pick it up at any vibration or message and constantly feel the need to fill any void or lapse of entertainment with a Facebook Reel or YouTube Short, especially if my son was engaged with toys or someone else. The silence of the day was dreadful and what would constitute as normal lulls in conversation at a dinner table or late at night, was always promptly dealt with by a screen either to watch a longer video or rapidly scroll through 5 to 50 short form videos. I'm absolutely disgusted to admit this, but I am hopeful, that some of you out there, if not most of you (judgement aside obviously) feel trapped and locked by our own digital demise as much as I do.

But I digress, the point was to remark on how easily I shifted from a screen goblin to a much more complacent happy little gnome. I didn't feel the quietness or stillness of the morning stifling or opressing as I ate with my son and chatted away with him and my husband. After breakfast, we got cleaned up, cleaned up the dishes, and brushed our teeth, and got ready for the day where my husband went off to work and my son sat down in the living room floor with me and played with his toys. I actually watched him for a long time just reveling in his happiness feeling every bit of relief and satisfaction that everyone could have been texting and messaging me left and right (as it seems to usually go the moment you stop checking your phone, right?), and yet I felt no desire or drive to even pretend to care. I was thrilled in the obliviousness of the world. I was thriving in the solitude of my home.

I played with my son. I grabbed a book whenever I got bored and read it. I finished Eloise's book from the Bridgerton series finally in a week all because I didn't have a phone to doom scroll on. Granted, I watched the new season of Bridgerton as it came out too because, again, I wasn't without technology, but I was able to watch it without a tiny little screen blasting images and texts in my hand at the same time. Thus, I was able to enjoy the show completely without interruption. I crocheted a beanie without constantly picking up my phone after every row just to check if someone wanted my attention. I had no one to abide by timewise other than myself. I dictated my own schedule for once in what felt like a supremely long time, and I realized that I had no obligations and obstacles that kept me from enjoying my free time and working at my own pace other than what I did to myself through procrastination and distraction due to the tiny little dopamine machine I called a "tool." If anything was performing their job as a "tool," it definitely felt like me at this point. The cellphone had so far been removed from "useful" to its new role, "Dictator."

Now, I have a phone again. I say that regrettably a bit I fear. I'm trying to utilize the "new" skills I acquired during my phone free time though. I try not to check it first thing in the morning and I tend to keep it face down or away from me whenever I'm in the middle of doing something extremely important instead of reaching at the slightest vibration or interruption for it. I'm hopeful I can carry this on and even build upon it as I navigate life, but again, I'm not going to try and beat myself up about it too much if some days I struggle more than others. I challenge you to try and separate from your tiny little dopamine machine some too, but I also give you the human decency of grace and understanding on days that you might fail here. Just know, I believe in you.