The Ultimate Guide To Personal Freedom.

Think of the times you found yourself in an emotional rut. You lost your job, your relationship fell apart, your self-confidence took a nosedive, or you just felt like the world, society, or God just wasn't on your side. What did you usually do in those moments? Did you watch a TED Talk on self-worth? Did you exercise? Did you cry, call a friend, or feel bad for yourself? Did you just surrender?

The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, forces you to take stock of your mental and spiritual habits in moments like these and ask yourself if these habits are serving you well. It’s a necessary read at any time, age or emotional state. I sometimes go back to underlined parts of the book for a quick pick-me-up.

Let me be raw with you right now: I’m a deeply self-conscious person. I’m also intensely affected by my external environment, especially people’s moods and emotions. I think this is what being an “empath” is essentially like. If someone is crying or deeply hurt by something, I can feel my eyes get watery, my chest get tight. When I have a lot of enthusiasm and it's received with neutral or negative energy, it can pretty much torpedo my whole mood. Whenever I watched videos about Stoicism or individuals with healthy emotional detachment, I vyed for that kind of cerebral circuitry. But, it was difficult for me to come across something that could produce a long-term journey of self-improvement and not abandoned practices and half-baked self-awareness.

Ever listen to modern-day dieticians talk about their disdain for popular diets? All of the ones I listened to say something to the effect of "Diets are futile because they are meant to be temporary, and people generally revert to their old eating habits, thus, slowly gaining their weight back." Their preached solution is instead to “eat intuitively” and listen to your body. If there are any changes to make to your diet, it should be about reorienting natural cravings you already have towards delicious, healthy, and filling alternatives--not punishing yourself with restricted intake and banished food groups. Instead of grabbing that bag of chips, slice up some potatoes, soak them in vinegar, add a dash of salt and air fry them for homemade potato chips. Yes, it’s less convenient, but it’s giving you what you want, with better consequences.

That’s kind of how I see emotional habits.

You can’t rewire your brain, you can’t get brain surgery to get the perfect balance of left-brain and right-brain sensibilities. You can only work with what you have. The Four Agreements are just that: four things you can easily remember, every single day, to reorient your emotional habits into healthier alternatives. The author, Don Miguel Ruiz was inspired by the Toltec wisdom of his ancestors. Here’s what I took away from each, maybe when you read it, you’ll take away something unique of your own from each chapter:

1. Be impeccable with you word

Words are like yin and yang. They can heal, but they're also a lethal weapon. I think many people, including myself, underestimate that. Growing up, I always heard my parents tell me “your word should mean something.” This chapter held a magnifying glass to that statement.

There was a poignant sentence in this chapter that, as dramatic as it sounds, shook me to my core: “Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system.”

Think about how many times you use the word against others, or as Ruiz calls it, using “black magic” against someone. Now, think about the times you have used it against yourself. Every time you use words against yourself, you are making an agreement with yourself that being “ugly”, “stupid” or “incompetent” is part of your belief system. How does this type of belief system help you?

2. Don’t take anything personally

If someone throws “emotional poison” your way, that is a reflection of their dream and not yours. They aren’t angry with you, they don’t hate you. They hate themselves and they are angry with themselves. The moment you don’t take anything personally, you are free. Free to say no, free to leave, free to move on, and free to be yourself without guilt or self-judgment.

Trust yourself, more than anyone else. Speak to yourself with candor about everything; the parts of yourself you don’t like, parts you tuck away into the crevices of your subconscious, embarrassing memories you prefer to shudder away. If you can be honest, yet kind to yourself about your mortality, fallibility, mistakes, indelible or not, you will no longer be a victim to endless suffering. You will trust yourself so much, that you won’t let anyone else’s negative opinions of you dictate what you think of yourself.

One of my favorite quotes from the chapter:

“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you.”

3. Don’t make assumptions

If the human psyche were a quilt, assumptions would be a large square fabric piece in that quilt.

When we make assumptions, we reject ourselves before others reject us. Our fear of being ourselves due to the potentiality for judgment, abuse, and victimization supersedes our desire for authenticity. Human beings have an immense proclivity for rationalization, justification, and equivocation. Assumptions are easy mental shortcuts that help us feel safe. And they’ve served us to some capacity to make quick decisions for our survival.

But assumptions can also be detrimental to our relationships, unencumbered discourse, and the free exchange of ideas. They guard us to the point where we can’t face rejection. They prevent us from understanding each other. They hinder learning and they silence your voice. Remember that ultimately, "everyone has the right to say no to you, but you always have the right to ask.”

4. Always do your best

Your best isn’t going to be the same in every circumstance, but you should always do your best nonetheless. Doing your best in any situation should free you from self-judgment, because how can you judge yourself if you only did your best?

Doing your best empowers you. It reminds you that you are capable of performing to the best of your abilities, and it prevents you from being needlessly unkind to yourself or chastising yourself for what you “should” or “would” have done. It prevents ennui.

Favorite quote from the chapter: “Taking action is being alive. It’s taking the risk to go out to build your dream.”

In conclusion:

It might seem amidst reading my banter masked in the form of a summary, that you think I gave the book away too much, but I can assure you I haven’t. Don Miguel Ruiz can articulate his own book and how the Toltec wisdom guided him, far better than I can. I hope you read this book. I hope it grounds you. It certainly helped ground me during this time.

If you are interested in purchasing the book, I highly recommend purchasing from Semicolon Bookstore and Gallery, a wonderful black-owned online bookstore.