On Sunday I Teetered on The Deep End Drop-Off

When I commit, I commit hard. Like cement. I am THERE.

My husband's wedding band has one of my favorite songs : 'All The Way'. I fell in love with the movie 'Joker's Wild' and Sinatra crooning it way before I knew who he was, way before I knew the dark side of the story.

I just knew that real love was one like that song: steady, true, up to the test, always there. I just knew that I needed to feel that. That 'real' is full-on being there no matter what, 'come what may'.

I just knew that true commitment would be sure and permanent, and that I'd never felt like that, even as a child love was not permanent and promises were spoken only to be broken.

Now: did this cause me problems after that? OH YES; yes it did and yes it has. I don't give trust easily; and when that trust is broken (because: humans) I am crushed emotionally and physically.

When my marriage was dissolving I did every codependent thing I could think of, then the depression, then the self hate, then the rage that thrummed, then the non-eating, then the non sleeping, then a day with horrible port (PORT!? Yes. I didn't drink much), and a sip and a pill until I decided that was a bad idea. (But that's another story.)

When the divorce came I plastered a smile and went through the paces, drowning in work. When the jobs/careers went up in flames and the place I had in them evaporated, my friends fear, depression, and self-hate were there to hold my hand.

Then came Trump. And then, mercifully, came Biden (like how I passed over four years in three words? Yah. I'm still processing them) and I could breathe again without reflexively looking online to see what horrid thing he had said/done/tweeted/slighted/let slip on an open mic. And I was all in for another four Biden years.

I believed

When there were interviews, Biden said he was not gonna leave. He would see things through. ('Just ask me about policy, man!') He would keep the sanity going and prevail. Not back down.

I believed because I'd allowed myself to think 'all the way'.

And then: Sunday I was scrolling through Threads as I prepared to go to a concert (tickets to see Train for the 18th time, that I'd bought a year ago), and saw the letter he'd written just a few minutes after it went live. He was stepping out of the candidacy for a second term.

His 'all the way' would last only another 184 days. But. But I had believed. Believed.

I started scrolling faster, squeaking out some kinds of words to my husband. (This had to be a prank. A sick joke; because he had said.) And then I saw a comment from someone I love deeply, and those words were a punch to my gut, and my panicked emotional dysregulation shifted into even higher gear.

The bottom fell out of my emotional regulation. I was nauseated. My heart started beating so fast and loud I could hear it echo in my ears. My mouth dried even as the tears just started to slide down my face, and they continued to do so every few minutes for almost ten hours.

My thoughts swirled from the President, to my family, to my childhood, to the life I thought I'd have, to the disappointments I've received and given, to the hopelessness of not knowing what would come next.

I will never have that loving extended family; never have those grandchildren and great grandchildren celebrate my birthday the way we had just done the day before with my mother-in-law.

I can't go back to that fear every day, every minute, waiting for a fatal decision to come back against the country.

How could I be so stupid? Why were half the news stories stating that a massive block of leaders just strongly came out for him 15 minutes ago? (Maybe it is a joke? How stupid can I be?)

I can't. I can't do this. I can't take the sadness. I'm alone. Everyone leaves. I can't.

And that is how it feels to have Complex Post Traumatic Disorder (CPTSD) and experience intense emotional dysregulation.

CPTSD and PTSD

Both PTSD and CPTSD can lead to trust issues and emotional upheaval, but they manifest differently.

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is usually caused by a single traumatic event or a series of isolated incidents. The trust issues are about fearing a recurrence of a specific trauma.

CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Disorder) is usually associated with chronic, repeated trauma that usually begins in childhood (ex: neglect, abuse, or unstable relationships). The trust issues here make giving trust a challenge in many/all relationships, avoiding the reliance on others to put off an inevitable let down, or difficulty in regulating emotions and maintaining a stable sense of self and a heightened sense of betrayal. I struggled to explain what was happening to my husband, and then struggled to understand his words in response.

Given my description you may not be surprised to know that I am working through CPTSD and Sunday was a tough day.

I cried quietly as I drove to the concert. I cried through the songs of the first warm-up band. I cried more when the opening band took the stage (nostalgia didn't help), and I sobbed between smiles as Train played. It was a soggy night, my face/nose puffed up like a purple cabbage, and I had a pounding headache.

Today? Today that weird edgy feeling is back. Wary. Stuffy. Muzzy-headed. Second-guessing everything I am doing. Struggling to stay on task. Determinedly looking for reassurance in posts, updates, news (heck- I'd look to the skies, seek out chicken entrails, and ask the Oracle if it was a few centuries ago.)

Today I know that 'all the way' belongs in the wedding bands of the very fortunate, but not many other places. Today I am willing to see that there was a strategy in the timing of the announcement and a method to the madness that had nothing to do with what I believed. Today I managed at least twice to think that maybe everything would be OK and probably me sticking around to see was a great idea. Today I had coffee, and lunch, and most of my dinner.

Today I decided to write this so that other people like me would know that they aren't alone. To encourage them to stick it out and go all the way.

~

If you are feeling the same way due to current events, or any other event, this might be useful for you. It's a self-paced guide based on Trauma-Focused Cognitive Therapy and can help you stabilize and regulate your emotions. (I encourage you to contact a medical professional and consider talk-therapy as well, but this could be a good start.)

Your comments will be, as always, gratefully received.