The "Entity"

Once a little, adventurous girl, with a light in her eyes that shined like a sparkle on a sequenced dress;

Curiosity and learning all that is beautiful, had left her heart feeling warm and safe. Her days filled with laughter; her nights filled with peace. Her joyous smile was contagious.

Her jubilant journey suddenly became cut short, and consumed her like a rapid forest fire. There came a night that started it all; a dark force overcame her innocence, wrapping her up in a tight, black, rigid blanket filled with fear, worry, confusion, and tension that followed her through her lifetime.

The culprit of it all?...

…A beloved and familiar “entity” that surrounded her on a daily basis. Previously, she had become so accustomed with this “entity” in a virtuous way as the days passed on, that this acquainted “entity” left her once delighted and ecstatic memories disordered.

“It” swept away all the feelings of safety and that innocence, just like the wind in a hurricane that blows away all that is around.

A little, adventurous girl, now feeling entirely lost inside this growing and childly body of hers, with sensations swarming her petite, innocent figure like a group of young kids gathering around an ice cream truck on a blazing hot summer day, was alone after “it” had done what “it” wanted to, and then left the room.

A wave of uncertainty and questioning engulfs this inquisitive mind of hers.

“It” had once been loved and adored for quite some time, but quickly became a demon in her formerly youthful eyes;

Not one glimpse of light left, the whites of those eyes became a pool of tar.

Every time she would now see the “entity”, she would freeze, just as one freezes on the spot at the first sight of their fears. She would then lose her voice in many circumstances where one usually needs to speak up.

Oppressive, long evenings were filled with thoughts that she could not grasp a hold of. Questions flooded her little mind like storm drains after a long day of torrential downpours.

“What is this feeling in my body? Do I enjoy this? And why?”…

“Is this normal? Do my friends have this happening to them too?”…

“I don’t understand..?”

“Why is this happening to me…?”

“My friends think this is weird, and that I AM weird…is it..? Am I?”

Eventually, after a few years of her youth had passed, it started to feel all wrong. Thoughts had changed. “Trapped”, was how she began to feel.

“I know this is wrong…why can’t I say no?..”

Fortunately, at the time and at that age, those “friends” just shook it off when it was quietly mentioned only once, and never spoken of again. The little girl was silenced from then on. This was never to be brought up again, not with friends, no family could know, and no therapist could be talked to, as that was not even an option acknowledged or thought of. After all, she didn’t want this “entity” to despise her or ruin their original connection due to “it” finding out and knowing that she was bothered by what was going on.

As the disgust towards this “entity” and herself formed like cancer, so did the hatred and shame. Hatred towards this “entity” and shame towards her own being. It continued to grow like unwanted weeds on the Earth’s soil.

Although throughout her short lifetime, this “entity” was once beloved, “it” had turned dark rather quickly in her short years of life, and eventually, “it” left her paralyzed and with negative self-image and lack of confidence for years to come. Luckily, she had developed and found the miniscule strength she had in her to say the word “no”, and “stop”. Even though this “entity” was angry, “it” left her. Finally, “it” had given up, and those stored memories in the back of their mind had been forgotten about and in due course, turned into denial. However, “it” left her with those feelings of powerlessness, hatefulness, shamefulness, and filled with disgust, and those memories had always continued to haunt and remind her. Their relationship started completely fading, never to be the same again like it once was prized. Even though the nights became a tad less fearful, she remained scarred and damaged; incapable of accepting what “it” had done and who she had become as a result. “It” grew to be her worst nightmare overtime, so the thoughts of how she could move on and ever be OK even after “it” had stopped, overwhelmed her brain and concentration like trying to cram studying for an immense test in one single night.

A little, adventurous girl was now all grown up, still disordered and distressed, but finding herself slowly, and working on forgiving this “entity” she once loved, but grew to loathe. She still was scared of the unknown, though, as evenings crept up like a lion on its prey, and the waking hours of the morning hit and stunned her like lightening bolts shattering the trees. She was still left broken, unable to let go of this burden that devours her.

That little, adventurous girl who was now growing up, finds comfort in isolation, self-abusive behaviors, has developed multiple physical and psychiatric disabilities as a result, and still feels all alone. She's been in and out of residential treatment facilities for years, to work through the pain with professionals. She loses her sanity when placed in uncomfortable settings and situations. The difficulties in communicating and showing her real emotions is very persistent. She’s left feeling like she cannot control what unfolds. She spends countless moments feeling that shame and guilt for what “it” had done to her throughout the many nights of her childhood years. She’s left unsure of who she is, or what her true purpose in life is.

…“It’s all my fault. If only I had said ‘no’ sooner.”…

She whispers in her head often. Those thoughts have a strong grip on her like clinging to a rope when playing tug-o-war. They won’t seem to let her go. That hold feels like a snake grasping onto a living being that is losing its breath, quicker than an antelope running for its survival.

Meanwhile, while she struggles with this battle in her mind, “it” lives happily and successfully in this life; holding no guilt or shame; or at least that is what she thinks. She believes forgiveness is nearly impossible, maybe, unless she gets answers. Maybe THEN, she will get relief?

“Why did this happen?”

“Why did ‘it’ do what ‘it’ did?”

“Something had to have happened to ‘it” to make ‘it” want to begin doing those things to me, right?…”

“Can I ever feel comfortable in this body of mine?”

“Will I ever be able to fall in love, and be loved?...”

“Will any form of intimacy or touch always feel so wrong?...”

These thoughts come like tsunamis that wreck an entire population’s land.

A little, adventurous girl, though now grown up, still has the mind of a 6-year-old, when the events had first started and stripped her of a “normal” childhood. She missed almost all of her youthful days, so she finds comfort in remaining stuck in her troubled mind before “it” had done what “it” did. She fears this “entity” whenever she has to face “it”. Unfortunately, “it” is never able to truly be avoided, and needing to be around from time to time. No one is aware of what “it” has done to this once innocent young girl.

To this day, she likes when people take care of her. She doesn’t want to let that go. Her heart pulsates at the thought of independence and being on her own in life. She relies on her parents being around. If they aren’t around, she feels unsafe and unstable. She seeks attention constantly from adultlike figures and older, wiser, motherlike figures. She finds it hard to make connection with women her age, and always had difficulties with girls her age growing up. She was bullied for being unusual. She still fears when doors are closed, and rooms that obtain a nightlight, where the events mostly occurred. She fears any form of intimacy and cringes with touch. She holds so much anger towards the “entity” and herself, and has not let it out in “healthy” ways. She’s contemplated her decease more times than one can count. Her self-abusive behaviors have gotten the best of her, and she has spiraled out of control immeasurable times. She was fading.

When will she ever let the past stay in the past, and learn to forgive this once beloved “entity”? After all, “it” does still “love” her and could never hurt her again. Her hatred and rage have led to relationships suffering. She ponders the thought of what her true purpose in life is. Will she ever want to grow up? Or will she remain wanting to stay treated and taken care of like a child for as long as she lives? Will she permanently need assistance, now that she is medically and psychologically disabled?

The time will come, the time will come, she thought to herself for very long.

And yes, the time DID come. Years and years later, the moments she had been patiently waiting and holding on for, for far too long.

Though she is much older now, she feels she has perhaps finally found her place in this life, with a greater purpose than to just suffer in silence.

That once little, adventurous girl has at last found solace in knowing she will be impacting countless lives for the better, including those with a similar story.

That once little, adventurous girl will no longer stay silent or let those self-abusive behaviors and low self-worth affect her in detrimental ways. She will share her story in hopes it helps others speak out and regain their own strength. She will no longer be ashamed.

That once little, adventurous girl in this story is now regaining control of her life, who she is now, and has, in conclusion, became almost fully okay with being herself; she is an artist, and puts her pain into her artwork as a way of healthy coping, instead of self-sabotaging herself. She continues to shine through her disabilities and autism, despite how challenging they were through the years. She is working to become an Art Therapist working with children and adults that have struggled with similar disabilities/mental illnesses.

The girl in this story has a name, and her name is Alexandra; this “Alexandra" is me. That “entity” is a familiar face: my own family member. Though him and I do not speak anymore, and emotionally I hurt from that, this trauma and what he has done to me will no longer utterly define who I am, and I am forever becoming who I always was meant to be; someone who will change immeasurable lives for the better, until the day my soul and spirit will be endlessly and completely free.