Everyday Junglist
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About me. You know how everyone says to be a successful writer you should focus in one or two areas. I continue to prove them correct.
Stories (712)
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Apparently Our Things Need to be Polite Now
Dear Proctor & Gamble: I am sure you have read the most recent news stories detailing the importance of manners and politeness in our things. According to one well respected technology company (an oxymoron I know), the most requested attribute in any future ‘smart’ product is politeness. It seems that you have fallen a bit behind the times in both the ‘smart’ and polite categories with one of my favorite products, Charmin Ultra Soft premium toilet paper. I have yet to see a smart version hit store shelves but I am certain the brainiacs in P&G R&D have been working on it. I am writing this letter to give you my view from the consumer perspective (real VOC!) of what I would like to see in this innovative new offering.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Cryptee My First Crypto Trading Bot
I remember my first crypto trading bot like it was only yesterday. Little cryptee I called him or sometimes the cryptkeeper. He was so cute and precocious, always trading from sunup to sundown, never tiring, just trading and trading and trading stopping only for the occasional bowl of PyFlakes to refuel or to use one of those sticky brush things to get the PyLint off of his diapers. At first he texted me all the time, but then slowly as he grew older the texts stopped, then the money stopped rolling in, and before I even knew what had happened little cryptee was all grown up and no longer wanted to be a crypto trading bot. "I want to be an artist" or some bullshit hippie thing is what he had the balls to tell me. That ungrateful sack of sh%*. I tell you, crypto trading bots today, what exactly are these machines learning in school, or its the parents, lazy, worthless. These bots need discipline. Bunch of hippies.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Can We Stop Calling Things People Like to Watch, Talk, and/or Write About Porn Already?. Content Warning.
Can we stop calling everything people like porn already? I guess it was sort of cute and interesting and maybe even descriptive the first time I saw somebody call something (whatever) porn. However, now that I have seen it for the ten thousandth time it has lost whatever power it had to engage my interest. Much like actual porn (insert whatever) porn loses some of its attractiveness with time, especially if you watch the same porn over and over and over again. Not that I would know anything about that. I mean, I would have no idea about that. Of course.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Please Do Not Put an Advertisement in a Comment on Any of My Stories
I know I am not a very popular writer. Never have been, and likely never will be. Most of my stories get very few views. Out of those very few precious reads only on the rarest of occasions does someone take the time to post a comment. Because I get so few comments I take them very seriously and read and (try to) respond to each and every one. At the very least I like to say thank you to the person who wrote the comment. The fact that they took time out of their busy schedule to read something I wrote is cause for thanks enough, but adding a comment takes that to a whole other level of dedication. You don't comment on something unless it really strikes you in some way. Unless it has some sort of emotional or intellectual impact. For something you read to have an impact on that deep a level requires that you actually engage with the thing you are reading. You have to pay attention to it, and think about it, and that requires real dedication and commitment. I very much appreciate that and therefore believe it is appropriate and necessary to say thank you to readers for taking something I wrote and published so seriously. This applies even if the story itself is the opposite of serious, as are many of the things I write and publish.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Writers
Twilight Zone Resident Surprised to Find Everything Perfectly Normal
Long time resident of the Twilight Zone farmer Bill Moss reported that he was very surprised to find nothing out of the ordinary in his barn after he noticed strange flickering lights coming from inside it for most of the previous night. In an interview that day he said "Typically if I were to see strange flashing lights all night in the barn and then go check on it the next day I could expect to find any number of strange or unusual phenomenon. For example, I might discover that the lights were actually the flashing signal beacons of a vanguard fleet of miniature sized aliens training to invade the earth. I would have to spend the entire day battling those little buggers to clear them out of my barn. Alternatively I might find that the lights were actually the energy signature of a trans-dimensional time rift which had flung a recently deceased Civil War soldier through time and space to end up confused and alone in my barn. I would just think he was an everyday civil war soldier time traveler until the very end, when I would realize he had actually died. At that point I would have to figure out a way to break the news to him and help him find his way to the afterlife. A third possibility could be the lights were the afterglow of the rocket engines of a ship piloted by an astronaut from an alternate earth who had somehow slipped through an interdimensional hole in space to end up crashing right next to my barn. He would be desperately searching for his loved ones calling any and every number he had, but in each case not finding the person he was looking for, but instead someone eerily similar, but not actually the same, as that person. Yep, it could have been any one of those things, or a million others, but instead I discovered that their was a single flickering light bulb on the edge of burning out that was responsible for the whole thing. Mystery solved, and just in time too, I heard ultra intelligent aliens had just arrived on Earth claiming they will cure all human diseases and usher in a Utopian age. They even carry a book around with them called, To Serve Man. Can you believe that? They must really like us for some reason."
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Future Black Slime in Refrigerator Crisper Purchased at Local Grocery
Future black slime in the refrigerator crisper, currently known as green onions, were purchased at a local grocery today by neighborhood resident Ted Stephens. “I’m making Pad Thai for my girlfriend for dinner tonight and need the green onions for a garnish and to give a little color to the dish” he said when asked about his decision to purchase the future pile of oozing black mush at the bottom of his refrigerator vegetable crisper. Despite a very poor track record of using any green vegetable purchased for any meal Mr. Stephens suggested this time would be differing saying “look, I know I don’t exactly have a reputation as the biggest vegetable fan, and I have, on occasion, left a head of broccoli or lettuce in the crisper for over a month, throwing them away only when the smell from the slowly putrefying sludge like black mass became too much to bear. But, this time is going to be different. I swear. Besides, onions aren’t really a vegetable, ? They're a fruit right? You know I don't actually know.”
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Local Man From Last Year Surprised To Find His Pizza Not Delivered By Artificial Intelligence Powered Drone
Local man Todd Stevens was shocked and surprised when the large pepperoni pizza he had ordered from the local Dominos was delivered to his door by a normal human driving a beat up Ford Taurus, and not dropped on his stoop by a gleaming artificial intelligence powered drone. “I could have sworn last year they said drones were going to be delivering food at the very least, by now. And I know I read that artificial intelligence was on the brink of complete control of the entire planet’s computer systems. Unless that dude who delivered my pizza was a bio-organic replicant synthesized to look exactly like high school dropout Bill Sapowski, there was no artificial intelligence involved in the delivery. I am also fairly certain his beat up Ford Taurus was not a quantum computer generated holographic representation of an autonomous robo-drone. Damn, that’s a disappointment. It does appear that America did finally collapse however, Dominos is still in business.” Todd then stuffed an entire slice of pizza in his mouth and began to cry.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Club Drug User Bemoans Abundance of Street Drug Users at Area Rave
Moments before slipping into a deep and blissful 4 hour k-hole, the result of his recent consumption of a large quantity of the club drug ketamine, still agitated but rapidly chilling local club drug user Ted Stephens complained loudly about the abundance of street drug users crowding the scene at an area rave yesterday. “These damn druggies are everywhere. It’s getting so a guy can’t walk five feet without bumping into some wild eyed meth head trying to talk your ear off about some dumb shit that makes no sense.” he said, his eyelids slowly closing as he spoke. “I mean I like coke as much as the next guy, but crack is whack bro, and the less said about dope (heroin) the better.” said Mr. Stephens, the last word coming out badly slurred before he fell to the ground with a look of profound transcendence, and copious amounts of drool, on his face.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with. Is it poetry? Probably not. Is it 600+ words? Definitely not, therefore it is poetry.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Grappling with Myself
"Wait, what? You are going to fight yourself? In a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu match?" Steve asked, the puzzlement and confusion evident in his voice. "I've got to hand it to you buddy, it is one of the most interesting of the dumbest ideas I have ever heard, so at least its got that going for it." I gave my friend a look of disapproval and sighed loudly in exasperation before replying "First, I am going to grapple, not fight. We do not fight in BJJ, we grapple. Fighting is what happens on the streets amongst rival gangs, grappling is what happens in the gym on the mat between honorable opponents. Second, I will not be grappling with myself, I will be grappling with my concept of myself, my concept of identity." The look on Steve's face gave away his obvious confusion, and that look grew even more confused the longer he considered the idea. It was a reaction I was very much used to from almost everyone whenever I opened my mouth, but most especially from Steve. I loved the guy but he was a bit of a dullard. That, combined with the fact of my own insanity which led me to say, think, and do crazy things on a fairly regular basis would often leave Steve in a greatly confused state. But, one of the things I really liked about him was his generally sunny and optimistic outlook and I was not surprised at all when I saw his look of bewilderment slowly replaced by a smile which was shortly thereafter followed by a soft laugh.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Fiction
Fake News Headline Challenge
When it comes to fake news headlines, The Onion remains the undisputed heavyweight champion. Of course I am referring to The Onion in its heyday, back when it still had a hard copy print edition that actually could be delivered to your door or purchased from newstands or paperboxes in large cities around the country (mostly the northeast). Yes, that is how old I am. What remains of The Onion, theonion.com is mostly a sad reminder of those halcyon days of yore. They still sell merchandise featuring some of the classics, but the headlines and stories they crank out today are a far cry from the brilliant, biting, satire and wit of their early to middle years. Of course, it could just be I am too old now to appreciate the humor. In any case, selecting the best of them is really an impossible task. There are just too many to choose from. However, for purposes of this challenge, which is to come up with the best The Onion style fake news headline, I am going to list three of my all time favorites, starting with my absolute favorite first.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Jesus Saves at Temple Market
Jesus Christ, lord and savior to tens of millions of Christians worldwide, reportedly saved big at the temple market during his last shopping trip there. Though he has been permanently banned from the market for disrupting business by violently turning over money changer's tables during previous visits he still shops there regularly in disguise. The son of God saved close to fifteen percent off of regular prices on fish heads, mulled wine, and bread loaves by buying them from the clearance rack at the back of the temple and not near the front entrance where they are generally found at much higher prices. After leaveing the store with almost 100 drachma remaining from his budget of 200 dinar Jesus was reportedly quite pleased with how much he had saved saying the following "They say give to Ceaser what is Ceaser's and give to God what is God's. Oh wait, I mean, I say that, or, I said that. Not sure exactly where I was going with that, but man did I save big today. I mean I saved a lot. Nice!" With that Jesus bowed his head, turned and walked away.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
