Humanity
I'm Ok
Questioning the answer I’ve given allot lately. This is my confessions. Sometimes I lie to myself and say I'm ok. Most of the time I lie to others when I say I'm ok. The truth is I’m not ok, sometimes I just want to scream until I pass out. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to say, I'm not ok. I am twenty-seven years old and I just found out it is ok, to not be ok. I am now more aware of mental health. For years things I have felt I could not speak on. Due to my past, I was doomed at the age of 6 l. By the time I was 13 I had 3 sexual abusers haunting not only my dreams but my everyday life. Having to live in the world alone because I couldn’t trust anyone my mindset matured and my childhood was left behind quickly. I’m ok. I have repeated to myself through the years with tears running wild like ocean water down my face. I eventually blocked out my trauma enough to fail myself again. I trusted someone who I thought was an older brother figure to me. He became my 4th sexual abuser and yet I still have to continue to be Ok and remain a functional mess. But I’m proud to say I’m a step closer to being better because I acknowledge it. I know now that all those times I was not ok but I do want to be better than ok and that starts with the truth. I told my mom and dad what happened to me on December 2, 2021. I’m proud of myself. I came so far when I thought I would get nowhere. Some would say I was cursed because I now I'm a lesbian. But I do NOT think my sexual preference is based on what happened to me. In fact, I believe my sexuality is a blessing because I don't think a male could give me the love that was stolen from me the very first time my innocence became someone's option. The woman I fell in love with gave me the will to live honestly now more than ever now that my secret is out. It has been 6 years and throughout everything, she sits here comforting me using my love language and I cringe at the physical touch of anyone but welcome her's I am enveloped in peace. Saying what happened to me out loud is something I didn't think I would survive to do. I have social anxiety and can only be around certain people as well as if I do have people in my presence it's a limited amount of time. Now that I brought you up to speed with a few things that are going on in my life can you understand why I am now buckling down on my mental health, working on being around a family who should now see through my unauthentic smile, but has only shown me reasons why dealing with this alone could still be better. Both routes I have chosen are extremely difficult if I survived endless torture from others and myself for 21 years I think I owe it to myself to Live in my truth. I don't understand others' thought processes when it comes to this topic in but I can say there is no handbook on how to survive. There is no time frame on when you can speak your truth. Since the day you were born it was always supposed to be on our time and when we were ready. If you read this please understand it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to feel how you feel and express yourself. It’s ok to still have hope and try again.
By D.A.M.N Ent.4 years ago in Confessions
Elevating The Mind
I have bad habits left and right, and most of them place themselves rent-free in the base of my brain, no matter how hard I shake my skull. In fact, it seems that the harder I try to get rid of the daunting above the tip of my spine, the more that they stick to me, and to the crevices of my brain that make me, well, me.
By Shyne Kamahalan4 years ago in Confessions
From The Beginning
To whom it may concern, I'm not sure what to say. I don't really know where to begin. I would start at the beginning, but that part is a bit blurry. I wish I could remember everything clearly. Alas, my memory fails me. No matter what the beginning is, there are things that must be said. There are things that I must get off my chest. I have a story that I need to tell. Something that I should have shared a long time ago. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share my story at first. However, I felt that in order for me to move on, I needed to get it out. I need someone to hear it. I need someone who is actually willing to listen. I will admit that I never thought that I would ever do something like this. Please keep an open mind. Try not to judge me too harshly. I was very young when these things first happened. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to process the trauma. I still don't. It's consumed me for long enough. I want to be free from this burden. I'm tired of feeling guilty for what was done to me. It’s not something I wish on anyone. All I ask is that you try and understand. There were things that happened when I was young. Things I wish I could take back. Things that should have never happened. They did however and it can never be undone. The pain can never be unfelt. The betrayal and guilt will follow me for my entire life. Even if it wasn't my fault. It’s haunted me most of my life. I wish that I could take it back. Sadly, it’s stuck with me for all of eternity. I wonder what would have been different if these things had never happened. I thought it was my fault for a while. Like I had done something wrong. It took me years to realize that I had done nothing wrong. Nothing that I had done made it my fault. This is my life and I deserve to be heard. I deserve some peace. I'm sick of hiding what happened. I don't want to keep it a secret anymore. I want to be free from this burden. I want to be truly and fully happy. I will no longer let my trauma define me. I will no longer protect those who have hurt me. I am a broken shell of a once happy girl. I'm going to change that. I am going to take back the control that was stolen from me. I will no longer live in the shadows of other people's mistakes. I have done nothing to be treated like that. I'm starting to notice more and more how many people that I don't need in my life. The more boundaries I set, the more people leave. The more I stand up for myself, the more people think I'm rude or disrespectful. I'm done letting people think they can walk all over me. I'm done letting people think that just because I don't say anything that means they can disrespect me. I'm becoming myself more and more every day. I'm going to speak my mind. I'm done staying silent so others will feel better. I'm done trying to spare other people's feelings. I'm taking back control of my life. I'm ready to live my life to the fullest. No more letting other people make my decisions for me. Time to get back to being me strong and independent self.
By Jasmine Harris4 years ago in Confessions
Self-Resolutions
Every year when the ball drops, we tell our friends of these new skills we’re going to pick up or what bad habits are behind us in the new year. It’s always something that we think people will like about us. This year let’s not worry about what others think. It’s time for us to focus on ourselves. Bring ourselves some personal joy. Live for our happiness.
By Alys Maeve Amoré4 years ago in Confessions
I'm not going to Hell. And I'm not fat.
Religion: an industry that brought great peace to those dying in their 30s in the Middle Ages. Doctors: medically intrigued and monetarily-driven professionals who brought little comfort or usefulness to those dying in their 30s in the Middle Ages.
By B. Pratt4 years ago in Confessions
Unbecoming
They say love makes you crazy. I can believe that. The thought of losing myself terrified me. It had happened once before, in my twenties and put me off getting involved with anyone again. Then my thirties hit and before I knew it, I had sleepwalked into hell.
By JoJoBonetto4 years ago in Confessions
The Dichotomy of Love
Sometimes I feel that living life is exhasusting. The majority of nights during the week that I look forward to daylight ceasing, and bedtime approaching, is concerning to say the least. I ignore it though. I ignore the blatant shift that is happening in my life. I've been reverting to memories of my past more than daydreaming of my future. I feel nostalgic more than I feel hopeful. I hold in waves of despair and oceans of tears that linger in my body, swelling, with the innate potential of a forceful cascade of salt water behind my eyes. I agree with others to keep the peace. I scoff at romance. I fear that I have lost myself. I can't afford to do that.
By Lauren 4 years ago in Confessions
Between America
What a perverse period of my life. And now there is too much to think about, I’ll never get it done. I’m talking about that time between childhood and adolescence. I can’t imagine I’ll ever again have problems like I did then, but my father probably thought that too.
By Rajiv Sinha4 years ago in Confessions
The End?
April awakened to the incessant buzzing of her cell phone that lay on her nightstand. The bright light of the screen hurt her eyes as she strained to see who was calling her so late. Hello? What time is it, and this it better be good she said. There was no voice of the other end at first just the crackle of static over dead air. Like you used to hear before cell phones. She was about to hang up when she heard a man's voice speaking. April is that you? This is Bob Court, do you remember me? Of course, I do she said. Why are you calling me? It's been what, 37 years and now you call me out of the blue and wake me up? I guess I should be pleasant and ask how you're doing but frankly I'm more confused than anything. What do you want? I'm sorry April and you're right to be angry for getting woken up. I'm not quite sure what time it is. Not too late though, I don't think. I'm honestly not sure what possessed me to call you, other than I really felt like I owed you an apology for what had happened. Huh? What happened? April asked. That weekend back in 1981 when you wanted to come over and I wouldn't let you. I had met a quick fling and obviously didn't want to say anything to you about it. We spent the weekend together, but it meant nothing to me. Unfortunately, though it ended things for us, and I always felt guilty of that. You seemed to get over quite quickly though. I don't think it was two weeks before I was calling you and you wanted nothing to do with me. Found someone new very quickly and it hurt me a lot, but I know I had it coming. I realized how much I must have hurt you and I always felt guilty about that! So then after 30 some odd years you call me to alleviate your guilty feelings, Bob? Well, honestly, I really don't remember it as well as you seem to. So, let's just say then that it was obviously not a big deal, I absolve you of all your guilt. Thank you for calling, now can I go back to sleep? Yes, April thank you and again I apologize for everything. No worries Bob talk to you in another thirty years, click... The phone went dead.
By ADAM GOLDSMITH4 years ago in Confessions
