In The Mirror

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the face staring back at me. Eyes that once were bright, we’re bleak—vacant of the liveliness they once held. The smile lines I once complained about, had almost disappeared; not from fillers or treatments—but, because along the way I had forgotten how to smile...how to laugh. Long gone was the girl I used to be—fun, silly, energetic, playful. That girl was gone. In her place stood a body whose light had faded. A mere corpse. A shell of a human. A soul filled with hate. A body that burned with an anger so strong—it burned everything and everyone in its path; left behind were the ashes of those she loved most.

When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see a wife. A mother. A daughter. A granddaughter. A sister. A friend. I saw a girl whose heart had hardened—a heart black as coal. I saw a girl who was rapidly losing all she once was. The girl looking back at me, had become the exact person they said she was. A screw up. The girl looking back at me—was someone I didn’t know. A stranger.

Today, when I looked in the mirror—I made a promise to that lifeless face. A promise to that lost girl. I would put back the pieces—crumbled and smashed along the treacherous road, she had been traveling for far too long. Today, I told the stranger looking back at me— that I was walking away. Leaving her behind.

One day I will look in the mirror—& the person looking back at me—will be me. Though I don’t deserve it, I will be a mother. A wife. A daughter. A granddaughter. A sister. A friend. I will work feverishly to rid my heart—my soul—of the darkness; and though the fog may be dense, heavy, and dark—I will fight with every ounce of strength I have left. I will claw myself out of the nightmare I’ve become. The nightmare I’ve succumbed to.

I will break through.

Though I feel unworthy, I will seek forgiveness. I will apologize profusely—and as those are just words, I will work hard on making things right again. I will work tirelessly in hopes of mending the wounds I’ve created. To rebuild the destruction I’ve caused—like a wrecking ball, crashing and taking everyone in my path down with me.

I will take the punishment I deserve. I will wait as long as I must to gain back all trust that was lost. I will strive daily to prove myself.

I will get on my knees and pray. Something I have almost forgotten how to do. I will ask God to light a fire in my soul. To rid me of the angst. The disgrace. The hatred. To hold my hand as I trudge through the darkness; helping to scoop up the pieces. To rid me of the hollow shell I’ve become.

Today, I will cast the evil away. I will find the lost me. I will bring her back to life.

I will find myself again.