Learning How To Love Myself

The smile on my face at 50 is genuine, finally. For most of my life my smiles were fake because I had no sense of self worth. I thought I had to always smile because nobody cared enough to get to know the real me. Sometimes I didn't even know who the real me was. I was always somebody's wife, mother or employee. For the longest time I couldn't identify anything that made me truly happy except my children. Children being children often test boundaries. I was the softie and would mostly give in to what they wanted and my second husband (their step father) was always the one who put the hammer down and had very strict rules for the children. This would often cause us to fight, which led to him saying very mean things to me, which in turn made me feel worthless. I can't believe I gave him so much power!! I'm leaving out my childhood because it is not something I want to relive right now. I know where my core beliefs come from and have worked hard to challenge my negative thinking, and self doubts.

I have survived many trauma's in my life such as; sexual abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, infidelity, two divorces, suicide attempts, and addiction. After my second divorce I lived on my own for the first time in my life and I was lost and very lonely. This loneliness was so intense that I felt the need to find validation in strangers. I would go the bar and drink to give me confidence to dance and talk to men. Well, sure I got some attention, but the next day the loneliness was still there. My addiction got so bad that after my mother died, I no longer wanted to live and tried to end my life. Thankfully God had other plans for me and saved my life. I spent time in therapy and received some very helpful coping skills. It took me awhile to actually put them to use but I finally hit rock bottom (unfortunately my suicide attempt was not my rock bottom).

When I finally had enough of the chaos I was living and was laid off from my job, I enrolled in college and started on a path of rediscovery. I got another job and was attending college. My life seemed to be going well for a change. I met a wonderful man and we started dating. This man was very sweet and encouraging. Because of my busy lives with working, school, etc... we did not get to spend a lot of time together and he kept saying he wanted more time with me. I kept telling him, I couldn't give what I didn't have and college was very important to me. We almost broke up because of this. After serious discussion he told me that I was worth the wait. OH MY GOODNESS!! Nobody had ever told me that before!!! A few years later, I married this amazing man.

What does this have to do with me going from self hatred to self love you ask? Well, my husband didn't know that I had an addiction, I hid that part of me very well for awhile. He didn't know that when we would go out, every time he went to the bathroom, I would go to the bar and have a shot. I would be really drunk by the end of the night on what he thought was only 3 margarita's and thought I had a low tolerance for alcohol. I thought if he knew the truth he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. I finally took the risk and broke down and told him all my secrets expecting him to walk out the door never to return. To my surprise, he didn't leave. He stayed right by my side and said he would help me in anyway he could. It was that love and caring that sparked something in me that made me realize that I was not as terrible as I thought I was.

From that point on I started to see myself in a different light and started really looking at who I was. I studied hard in college and obtained a bachelors degree in Psychology. I read books on self-esteem, the power of positive thinking, Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), wrote out positive affirmations, and applied everything I learned to my daily life. I had affirmations and inspirational quotes posted everywhere so no matter where I was, I always saw something positive. Sure, there were stressful days that self doubt would creep in but I made sure I didn't wallow in it.

Today I am a case manager in an addiction recovery program for women and I am going to apply to be a Licensed Addiction Counselor (LAC). I am considering getting my Masters degree as well and becoming a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with my area of specialty being in substance abuse (LMHC-SA). I know this is going to take determination and a lot of hard work, but it will be worth it.

I love my job!! I get to show these women that recovery is not only possible, but it can be forever. I get to teach them how to live a different life, build up their self-esteem, and how to reframe their thought processes. They know I am in recovery and that I have boundaries with what parts of my life I share. I show them that I can empathize with where they are at and know that I am going to be honest with them and hold them accountable for their own behaviors.

There are days that I still need to say my affirmations and reframe my own thought processes but all of this has helped me learn to love who I am as a person and understand my self worth. I have also added praying to my daily routine because I have also found true faith in my journey and I know 100% that GOD is the reason I am here today to tell my story.

It can be hard to bare your soul but if my story gives hope to someone that is struggling then I will bare my soul time and time again. Too many precious lives are being lost to addiction so if you are struggling with addiction or know someone who is, please reach out for help.