Something Different

I was in college and finally free from the hell in which I grew up. The safety around me allowed for my brain to finally collapse into itself and instead of being happy and healthy, I was finally allowed to break and my brain took freedom with it. I had a hallucination (which I haven't had in over a decade), had to keep myself away from sharp objects, had to start therapy, couldn't enjoy band anymore, and couldn't handle bullying from a professor. I moved to a different university and everything got so much worse. People actually appreciated me and believed in me, but because I'm still in the wrong mindset, I broke. I swallowed two bottles of sleeping pills in hopes to end myself, it didn't work. I didn't even sleep that well that night. I continued as normal for a couple weeks, but I just couldn't handle the constant feeling of the memories. I couldn't handle actually feeling the sexual and physical abuse. I couldn't handle constantly hearing, like actually hearing the words that were said to me constantly as a child about how stupid, fat, and absolutely ugly I am. I couldn't focus in class anymore. I was constantly in tears and it distracted not only me, but also the other students and some instructors. I couldn't handle the attention and broke again. My fiancee at the time left me because I pushed him so far away. An officer visited my dorm room. I convinced her that I was fine. I sat in my room with a knife in my hand ready to end it and I received a message from someone who hadn't spoken to me in years. I had apologized to him for pushing him away in high school and he said that I shouldn't worry and that neither of us are the same people anymore.

I, in my pajama shorts and tank top, with my dolly, went to our campus safety and talked to an officer there. He took me to the hospital. I stayed there and one of the dorm directors showed up. They kept me overnight and asked me what I needed. They gave me options. I chose to go the the mental hospital (one of my greatest fears). The first person there was a lovely nurse who kindly asked me to remove my clothing to check for marks. She found a few. I was told that I couldn't keep my shorts because they had strings sewn in. When they took my photo, I couldn't smile even though I tried. I was allowed to keep my doll (another story all of its own). They took all other personal belongings. The technician there was kind, sarcastic, and fun. He took my vitals and showed me to my room. I had to go back to the common room soon after and an older lady walked up to me and kissed my forehead. I was so out of it that I couldn't even cry. My roommate in the facility was the sweetest person I've ever met. I learned about what was wrong with my brain and how to work towards fixing it. The strongest people I've ever met were in this facility and had similar issues. When I was finally released, I was still unhealthy, I still am honestly, but I had and have hope. I know how to help myself now and I'm working hard to be happy.

Before I tried something terrible again, I tried something different. Please know that if you are in a terrible place, there is help for you. People care about you even if they don't know you and knowing you doesn't mean that that care will change. If you are reading this, I promise that I love you and this world won't be the same without you. If you are in a situation that you don't think you can possibly get out of, please call for help. It may be hard, but it will literally save your life. Please get help.