Kaitlyn Kyle

Something Different

I was in college and finally free from the hell in which I grew up. The safety around me allowed for my brain to finally collapse into itself and instead of being happy and healthy, I was finally allowed to break and my brain took freedom with it. I had a hallucination (which I haven't had in over a decade), had to keep myself away from sharp objects, had to start therapy, couldn't enjoy band anymore, and couldn't handle bullying from a professor. I moved to a different university and everything got so much worse. People actually appreciated me and believed in me, but because I'm still in the wrong mindset, I broke. I swallowed two bottles of sleeping pills in hopes to end myself, it didn't work. I didn't even sleep that well that night. I continued as normal for a couple weeks, but I just couldn't handle the constant feeling of the memories. I couldn't handle actually feeling the sexual and physical abuse. I couldn't handle constantly hearing, like actually hearing the words that were said to me constantly as a child about how stupid, fat, and absolutely ugly I am. I couldn't focus in class anymore. I was constantly in tears and it distracted not only me, but also the other students and some instructors. I couldn't handle the attention and broke again. My fiancee at the time left me because I pushed him so far away. An officer visited my dorm room. I convinced her that I was fine. I sat in my room with a knife in my hand ready to end it and I received a message from someone who hadn't spoken to me in years. I had apologized to him for pushing him away in high school and he said that I shouldn't worry and that neither of us are the same people anymore.