Day 24 of Quitting

While preparing to come to Australia, one of the things I was most concerned about was quitting smoking my nicotine vape. I was nervous because it had become such a chronic, nearly unconscious habit to me.

What I hadn’t really considered was what it would be like to also quit smoking cannabis after ten years of smoking it daily.

Although I was nervous about not smoking weed after so many years, I wasn’t as anxious about it as I had been to quit smoking nicotine. My rationale was that nicotine is chemically addictive whereas cannabis (*technically*) isn’t.

I still think I was right to prioritize my anxieties this way: quitting the vape was definitely physically, mentally, and emotionally harder than quitting the weed… but there was so much I hadn’t anticipated or considered when it came to not smoking weed after using it for so long that I felt it was worth reflecting on, also.

First of all, I’ll mention the thing that inspired me to write this article: the vivid dreams.

These dreams I’ve been having since quitting have been no joke. I’ve had about 6 intense dreams since quitting, 3 of them being incredibly positive, 1 of them being neutral, 1 being jolting, and 1 of them being horrific.

I had read online about the dreams that come out of the woodwork once you stop ‘passing out’ and actually start ‘falling asleep.’

I hadn’t really thought much of the link between smoking and dreaming until probably the 2nd dream. That was when I finally made the connection between my newfound sobriety and my brain’s newfound night cinemas.

These dreams have felt like little portals. They’ve been so vivid, these dreams have nearly felt like astral projection.

Most of the dreams have had to do with reconnecting with people in my past, often to catch them up on my life, then say good-bye. They’ve felt like ‘closing loops’ that I hadn’t quite fully processed yet. Each dream has felt like an offering of closure I hadn’t yet realized I was missing.

Most times, I wake up feeling this wash of golden, post-dream brain-glow. I feel light and airy, and like I don’t want to forget the dream. I’ve found that, so far, I can remember details from these dreams and come back to them and those feelings, days and even weeks later. Additionally, I’ve noticed that these dreams have full-on storylines instead of coming through as broken up flashes and fragments.

Other times, when the dreams aren’t so good, I wake up feeling curious and introspective. I find myself going over the dreams in my head and trying to figure out where they’ve come from and why they’ve surfaced. I believe that dreams are powerful tools of the subconscious and so I’ve found that taking time to really consider and sit with these dreams has helped me acknowledge aspects of myself and my life that I had otherwise been trying to avoid or outrun.

The other night, I had been talking to my mum and aunt on the phone about my trip so far as it winds down to an end. I mentioned that I hadn’t decided yet if I was going to go back to smoking once returning to Canada. In all honesty, I still don’t know. But I do think I kind of want to put off smoking a little longer, if only to see what other dreams come through.

Many of the influencers online who I’ve been following in regards to ‘saying good-bye to MJ’ have said that it takes about 90 days for the THC to fully filter out of your system. When I talked to my boyfriend about it, he agreed that he thinks I should try and make it through to 90 days. It’s made a big difference having such a supportive person in my life to cheer me on in the process and encourage me to stay on-track when it comes to my goals.

Many of the people who I follow online who have successfully quit smoking weed say it’s an intense process and that going through it allowed them to show up for themselves and meet new parts of themselves in ways they didn’t know were possible. I can’t help but be curious about this other version of myself. I feel like I’ve been getting glimpses of her in these dreams; glimpses of other timelines, if you will.

Not smoking weed has also allowed me to see myself and the drug in a different way. It makes me sad when I think about how dependent I’d become on it. When I think about all I was using it to cope with, I’m inclined to give myself some grace… but I also know that I want more for myself in these next chapters of my life.

When anyone would try to point out to me how much weed was ‘holding me back,’ I would get defensive and frustrated. I would smoke almost as if in retaliation, like I could prove them wrong by smoking and still getting things done.

The truth that I was avoiding though, was that yes, I could get things done while high, but never as much as I could have if I had been sober and focused. So often I would smoke up and then immediately remember an important e-mail or phone call I was meant to address but then couldn’t. I’d put it on ‘Tomorrow’s To Do List’ only for the same thing to happen the next day, and the next, and the next.

As the saying goes, ‘it’s hard to read the label when you’re inside the bottle.’

Or maybe in this case, the baggie.

Sure, there were things like cleaning my room that I could do high, but so often I would end up getting distracted, lethargic, or unmotivated. Although, I’ll admit, smoking and then cleaning used to be one of my ‘favourite pass-times’ - except this only really worked when I had a higher tolerance. When my tolerance was lower then I found it nearly impossible to actually get anything done after smoking up.

I think that it will be hard to say no again when I get back to Canada. I think returning to an old environment with a new mindset will be difficult and uncomfortable. I think it will probably take some adjusting and rearranging of my space, life, and time. I will have to try and transform my environment a little. I think it will especially be hardest when I’m alone in my room with no one to tell me I shouldn’t go back to my old habits - I will have to be my own cheerleader which is something I’ve always struggled with, no matter what I might be trying to cheer myself on for.

I’m nervous about returning to the smell and about being around the same triggers. I’m nervous about the cravings and impulses that will come up when I’m faced with boredom or discomfort.

It’s easier to avoid these things when on vacation, but I’m scared to deal with all of it against the backdrop of my regular, daily life.

I also think it could be an opportunity to try something new and fun, though. Kind of like being a kid and reading a magazine that makes you want to push your bed into a different corner of your bedroom or put up new posters. Or maybe, like saving things to a Pinterest vision board.

Quitting smoking gives me an excuse to ‘reinvent myself’ in a sense (although you don’t need any ‘reason’ to reinvent yourself other than you want to, really.)

Still, it’s hard to think about life without the same substances that kept me both afloat and anchored for so long.

I can’t help but think that if weed and nicotine are things I’m this nervous about giving up long-term, maybe it’s important that I do, in order to see what’s on the other side.

(Written January 27)